Racial Trauma

 

Artwork on the wall that separating Israel and Palestine. Photo by Jakob Rubner on Unsplash.

Today, my employer brought in Dr. Carlton Green, a local Director of Diversity Training & Education,  to discuss racial trauma. It stirred up a lot of feelings, mostly uncomfortable ones.

My dad is from Guadalajara, Mexico. His accent is thick and his heart is big. He's not "an illegal" and he pays taxes. He didn't steal anyone's job. He is not lazy nor is he dirty. The amount of shame I felt as a kid because my dad was Mexican is a shameful thing for me to admit to today. My love for him has always been fierce, and I truly believe that anyone who meets him instantly likes him. But the amount of derogatory jokes or hateful comments I heard about Mexicans growing up caused a lot of conflicting feelings as a kid. Throughout my years in school, I had college-educated teachers who didn't know how to pronounce my last name (Ramirez). As I got older, I learned to not let this bother me. As a kid, I felt embarrassed that I stood out. It took most of my life for me to feel comfortable and confident identifying as a Latina, and I mourn that lost time. 

My husband is black. I have felt crippling anxiety, worrying that one of my family members might be stopped by a police officer and be shot and killed. My son is mixed. When I imagine what it must feel like to have my son taken from me forever and thrown in a cage where there are unsanitary conditions and sexual violence against children, I feel anxious, angry, and immensely sad. When I think about the difficult conversations I'll have to have with him as he gets older, explaining to him the realities of the world and how he will always have to act differently/with more caution and care than a white boy, I feel anxious, angry, and immensely sad. 

Dr. Green talked about how racial trauma is cumulative, and it can show up as PTSD-type symptoms. I think we all know that safety one of the most important needs that contributes to the physical survival of human beings, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that it's not good when that is gone or it feels like it's lost (e.g., when someone feels he/she/they can't trust the police to protect him/her/them). He also talked about how other traumas can bring up past feelings. I've experienced what I thought was sexism both in- and outside of the workplace, but I also wonder if that was me perceiving it as sexism or if it was racism (or perhaps both). Either way, the same feelings get stirred up when I experience any sort of "ism."

I've had a pretty privileged life. I've worked hard but I've also been afforded some small luxuries that I feel I can't take credit for...I was just born into some privilege. There are so many others who are not afforded those same small luxuries and privileges. If I feel the cumulative effects of racial trauma, imagine what they must feel. I'm glad that conversations are ongoing in our country and I hope they never die down. I hope we keep pushing for inclusion, justice, and a celebration of diversity until kingdom come. 

Thank you, Dr. Green, for helping me to reconcile a small lifetime of feelings. 

#racialtraumaisreal