Readers, you're in for a treat.
I used to write stories when I was younger--plays, small novels, short stories, etc. I loved writing and I loved fashioning stories out of my head or revisiting ones that others have told. For select family member audiences, my sisters and I performed an original play about Christopher Columbus, and we even included alternate endings (this was way before DVDs and alternate endings for movies--we were totally ahead of the game). According to us, Christopher Columbus was either killed by natives on an island, died from consuming poisonous berries, or was run down and gored by a wild boar. Recheck your history books, people.
I loved writing so much that I entered a little novel into a competition in 5th grade, and I scored a day trip to a Young Writer's Conference at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. I even illustrated the cover of that book (called Parker, about a farm boy and his cat)...yeah, I was ready for my big break.
I have a lot of writing samples from my younger days, but recently came across one that was hidden in the depths of some old papers, long forgotten. I seriously don't even remember writing this, but as I read it I found myself laughing out loud. It's not very good at all, but it's fun. I think I was going for an All That type of sketch while writing, but I can't be sure. I was probably only about 9 or 10 years old when I wrote it.
For your Sunday afternoon reading pleasure, here is my, as I titled it, "Shorter Version of The Princess and the Pea." Please note that I typed it so that you are actually able to read it, rather than forcing you to try and decipher my sloppy, childish handwriting.
Natalie’s Shorter Version of
The Princess and the Pea
(Queen enters with king)
Queen: I just don’t know what to do!
King: About what?
Queen: Our son!
King: Oh man! He needs help like anything!
Queen: (confused) He’s not that ugly.
King: Oh…that… Right—of course.
Queen: What were you talking about?
Prince: I heard someone say ugly.
King: Wasn’t me.
King: That wasn’t a real sneeze! You—
Prince: Quiet, dad!
King: What did you say?!
Prince: I said—
(Queen coughs loudly)
King: Dirty faker!
Prince: Something smells like—
(Queen has sneezing, coughing, and choking attack while kicking, punching, and slapping King.)
Prince: I say, what is that—
King: I—OW!! She bit me on my—
Queen: Long live the queen!
King: My ear! I’m bleeding!
Prince: I’ll live longer than you, you hag!
Queen: You’re grounded!
King: I told you she was faking!
(Doorbell rings and everyone is silent. King opens door.)
King: King’s residence.
Queen: It’s MY residence, you blockhead!
Prince: Quiet!! We have a guest! What is your name?
Princess: Princess Katrina.
King: A girl for our son!
Prince: (embarrassed) Mom! Dad!!
Princess: Where’s the bathroom?
Queen: Down that hall and to the left (pointing).
King: Watch out! My son here knows how to leave a scent!
Prince: (beaming) That’s right, in fact—hey, wait! DAD! (punches King)
(Lights go down)
Princess: (enters with everyone) I need somewhere to sleep tonight. My dad will come in the morning.
Prince: We didn’t invite you!
King: Son! You can marry her if she’s really a princess.
Prince: How will we know?
King: (whispering) She’ll sleep on twenty mattresses with a pea below them. If she can’t sleep because of the pea, she’s a princess.
Prince: Well, okay.
Queen: (to Princess): I’ll show you your room.
Queen: (enters with King) What a nice, bright, beautiful morning!
King: It’s dull and ugly, like you!
Queen: Like our son. (Both laugh)
Prince: Someone said ugly.
Queen: Wasn’t me.
Queen: That wasn’t a real sneeze!
Prince: There’s the princess! (Princess enters)
Queen: How did you sleep?
King: You didn’t have trouble?
Princess: Nope. What’s for breakfast?
Prince: You’re not a real princess!
(Deep voice sounds) What is the meaning of this?! (Big, bulky man enters)
King: King Daniel!
King Daniel: (to Prince) My daughter is a princess!
(Prince and Queen run to bedroom, come back)
Prince: (pointing wide-eyed at Princess): You squashed the pea!
King Daniel: A bee? You mean a bumblebee?
Queen: A pea!
King Daniel: A vegetable?
Princess: Oh it’s true!
Prince: You squashed the pea!
Princess: I’m a fat, blubbery whale! I don’t deserve to eat! (runs out)
King Daniel: Later! I’ve got to put in nine holes of golf. (exits)
Prince: She squashed the pea!!
King: The big meatloaf.